Define: Foolish

If you knew me. You'd often hear me say: "For someone who's supposedly quite smart, I do very foolish things."
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foolish |ˈfoōli sh |adjective(of a person or action) lacking good sense or judgment; unwise : it was foolish of you to enter into correspondence.• [as complement ] silly; ridiculous : he'd been made to look foolish.See note at absurd ._______________________________________________OUCH!That 'Absurd' note was defiantly below the belt. But that is what I like about dictionaries, they're impersonal. The truth is raw, lacking any hint of a complement that might lead you astray. sometimes "but that's what we like about you" does not help at all.Why do we make such fools of ourselves?Last night I was out with friends, I was having such a good time (too good of a time if you ask me). Then I notice a friend of someone I "know", a certain some that gave me the good old "I'll text you" and never did. I knew they'd be there and the carpet was just swept from under my feet. we bumped into each other but not directly like 10 times.And it happen, I eventually went to talk...I felt like such a child and not in a good way I must add. Oddly enough, I was not that interested. OK! I admit I was just lonely and did not think there would be any harm but they were so blunt and I felt so awkward.No, really! Why do we make such fools of ourselves?
I was standing there with this person, but I sort of wasn't really, if it were someone else in that situation I would have known exactly what they should've done. Correction! I would physically dragged them away from what I can only describe as 'the spot light of shame'. Thankfully, eventually, someone did.Sometimes you find friends in the oddest of places.After a long talk and walk home the sun was up my friends left. But I couldn't go to sleep, I felt like crap. In a few minutes I was in my running gear and out in the streets. It was exhausting. I saw at a distance a woman. a girl. She was running further ahead, a bit slower that myself (at least I don' run like a girl thank god!) but with resilience. She takes one step and then the other, almost vanquished but never stops and I challenged myself: I'll stop when she does. She didn't. She never let go and neither did I. I reached home without stopping once.She was a complete stranger, she had a glimpse of me when I almost overtook her as we took separate routes. She might never know, how she gave me hope.

Song of the Week.

Every once in a while, I get one of those days where I think "this is definitely my day"....this song is about the other kind.

Regina Spector - Somedays.

Define: Lost

Not the TV show...sorry.

Well, away from my mac for a while...I decided this time to sift through a more reliable source to define things for me. 'The World's Most Trusted Dictionaries' (and it actually says so on the cover in case you do not know of this already), the Oxford Dictionary had more than a few things to say about this one.

Lost

adj. unable to find one's way; not knowing one's whereabouts.

1. That has perished or been destroyed; ruined, esp. morally or spirituality; (of the soul) damned

2. Of person: have gone astray

3. Of time, labour or space: Not used advantageously; spent in vain; missed

Allow me to elaborate.

I have come to a point in my life, now I'm starting the all exciting twenties, surrounded by individuals who appear to be in knowledge of who the are, where they are and where are they going.

I used to think I was one of them, but I had an epiphany (at the worst time possible - my finals - if I may add) that this is NOT what I want, not who I am....indeed it seems to me that somehow the discovery of another possibility made me try and take a stroll down my childhood memories lane......Adam? Who were you? who did you want to be?

Can I tell you a secret?

When I was a child, in school, there was always one question, just one, I always dreaded...teachers really LOVED that one, you can tell in that glisten in there eyes when they ask a classroom, one by one my friends (were they really my friends?) would answer loud, proud, with confidence: "when I grow up I want to be...".

I wondered, how did they know that, did I miss something? maybe it was because my mom always dropped me off late to school...maybe that IS what you learn in the morning lines!. I would be in awful panic, my heart would beat so fast, how do I not know this?! EVERYONE knows who they want to be!

Then in my head I am sitting int the passenger seat right next to my dad driving us home after Friday prayer: "Adam! never forget, you are what you do."

Then in a classroom: "So Adam?! (always with that cheeky grin, someone is peeking into my pre-adolescent soul) What do you want do be when you grow up?"

I would like to pretend to you right now that I was honest and admitted that I REALLY had no clue, or was so clever that I stood up to them and argued how cruel and idiotic it was to expect an eight year old to have any clue of who or what they wanted to be...(and why are they so ready to make us let go of our childhood), but every time, defeated, I would just make something up from to the top of my head and it went on like that.

Things You Learn as a Kid:

1. If you don't know who you are, you better do soon.

2. If you still don't, you pretend to do.

3. Everyone else is right.

I know this sounds petty and it would to me too if I still did not feel like that little boy in his grey school shorts. And after years of pretending (to myself more than others), I have discovered that I remain to have absolutely no idea who I want to be. Well, at least now have a slightly better idea who I don't want to be, and I definitely see options now.

It appears to me that we are in a society where it is something quite shameful to be that lost and confused. And if you do admit this out loud people will try and shape into something they want you to be (sometimes even the closest to your heart, they'll do it because they love you, but trust me they're wrong). I cannot remember the last time I asked anyone what they wanted to do and I did not get a straight forward answer and when they don't you find the clever tongued mom/dad with a quick and ready "Engineer, if god wills it"....Was it gods will for me, or was it mine or someone else's.

Contrary to what it sounds right now, I'm not in the business of blame. I do not blame anyone but myself for this. For someone who loves to talk, I seem to have forgotten how to listen to my own voice. But I wonder sometimes if I'm not alone, if there are other people there just as lost as I am, where are you? are you afraid?.....I am.

I remember when I was slightly older than eight, I was sitting with someone (mother, father, sister?) I cannot recall really. I remember feeling loved. I remember laughing. I only see love in laughter. and then a question "Adam, do you want to grow up?", a giggle and a "yup". "Why?", "because I want to be free, when I get older I want to be free".

Maybe that's where I'll start again.

Define: Everything

When trying to define 'Everything', google was no help at all, some nonsense about a debut album and hit singles so I hit my mac and here's what I got

Everything:

1 all things; all the things of a group or class

2 the current situation; life in general

ok yeah, I do get how silly this sounds, why the hell am I trying to define everything or anything for that matter. You might have assumed by now that I do at least command basic knowledge of the English language, so it not about the word definitely.....right?!.

YES!, no?!....well, sort of.

I do understand what 'everything' means as a matter of fact and it is maybe through this I attempt to initiate this blog, to understand the context of everything in order to understand myself and what around me. You know the cause, you understand the product...because each and everyone of us is the simple product of the genes + environment. But I'm getting way ahead of myself here, I think at first an introduction is in order.

Hi, I'm....ok well I can't tell you that one...ok let's start again.

Problem is, not sure about myself right now, in a sense I'm not one of those people who feel like they belong anywhere. Sometimes I feel that this might be a good thing, things are not always so great in this lovely spec of a planet that we live in...I would admit to one thing, I believe that I'm always right, or more accurately, when I speak to do strongly believe in the accuracy of my words and btw so do most people (maybe even you)...it is just that not everyone is so into admitting that.

And this is how I choose to be different, for now I have become a proud self-doubter, self-questioner and self-inspector and even worse I'm might be starting to doubt and question some things on which my confused self has been influenced by.

So lets do this shit!

Hope this makes any sense.

This is my first blog entry.

AM

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