Define: Lost

Not the TV show...sorry.

Well, away from my mac for a while...I decided this time to sift through a more reliable source to define things for me. 'The World's Most Trusted Dictionaries' (and it actually says so on the cover in case you do not know of this already), the Oxford Dictionary had more than a few things to say about this one.

Lost

adj. unable to find one's way; not knowing one's whereabouts.

1. That has perished or been destroyed; ruined, esp. morally or spirituality; (of the soul) damned

2. Of person: have gone astray

3. Of time, labour or space: Not used advantageously; spent in vain; missed

Allow me to elaborate.

I have come to a point in my life, now I'm starting the all exciting twenties, surrounded by individuals who appear to be in knowledge of who the are, where they are and where are they going.

I used to think I was one of them, but I had an epiphany (at the worst time possible - my finals - if I may add) that this is NOT what I want, not who I am....indeed it seems to me that somehow the discovery of another possibility made me try and take a stroll down my childhood memories lane......Adam? Who were you? who did you want to be?

Can I tell you a secret?

When I was a child, in school, there was always one question, just one, I always dreaded...teachers really LOVED that one, you can tell in that glisten in there eyes when they ask a classroom, one by one my friends (were they really my friends?) would answer loud, proud, with confidence: "when I grow up I want to be...".

I wondered, how did they know that, did I miss something? maybe it was because my mom always dropped me off late to school...maybe that IS what you learn in the morning lines!. I would be in awful panic, my heart would beat so fast, how do I not know this?! EVERYONE knows who they want to be!

Then in my head I am sitting int the passenger seat right next to my dad driving us home after Friday prayer: "Adam! never forget, you are what you do."

Then in a classroom: "So Adam?! (always with that cheeky grin, someone is peeking into my pre-adolescent soul) What do you want do be when you grow up?"

I would like to pretend to you right now that I was honest and admitted that I REALLY had no clue, or was so clever that I stood up to them and argued how cruel and idiotic it was to expect an eight year old to have any clue of who or what they wanted to be...(and why are they so ready to make us let go of our childhood), but every time, defeated, I would just make something up from to the top of my head and it went on like that.

Things You Learn as a Kid:

1. If you don't know who you are, you better do soon.

2. If you still don't, you pretend to do.

3. Everyone else is right.

I know this sounds petty and it would to me too if I still did not feel like that little boy in his grey school shorts. And after years of pretending (to myself more than others), I have discovered that I remain to have absolutely no idea who I want to be. Well, at least now have a slightly better idea who I don't want to be, and I definitely see options now.

It appears to me that we are in a society where it is something quite shameful to be that lost and confused. And if you do admit this out loud people will try and shape into something they want you to be (sometimes even the closest to your heart, they'll do it because they love you, but trust me they're wrong). I cannot remember the last time I asked anyone what they wanted to do and I did not get a straight forward answer and when they don't you find the clever tongued mom/dad with a quick and ready "Engineer, if god wills it"....Was it gods will for me, or was it mine or someone else's.

Contrary to what it sounds right now, I'm not in the business of blame. I do not blame anyone but myself for this. For someone who loves to talk, I seem to have forgotten how to listen to my own voice. But I wonder sometimes if I'm not alone, if there are other people there just as lost as I am, where are you? are you afraid?.....I am.

I remember when I was slightly older than eight, I was sitting with someone (mother, father, sister?) I cannot recall really. I remember feeling loved. I remember laughing. I only see love in laughter. and then a question "Adam, do you want to grow up?", a giggle and a "yup". "Why?", "because I want to be free, when I get older I want to be free".

Maybe that's where I'll start again.